How to pull Kate Moss

Kate Moss who turns 41 today, is not only famous for being in the top 100 most richest women in Britain with an estimated net worth of £45 million, for having her own line of perfumes and being on the cover of British Vogue magazine over 30 times, but she is also one of the few super models in the history of super models that I have never masturbated to. I can tell you I have masturbated more times over the girl that delivers my cheese toasties from the cafe across the road, and I know for a fact that she is barely making minimum wage. I just know if Kate and I were to have sex, she would never stop vomiting afterwards. However Kate clearly has a type so here are a few tips for your wardrobe should you wish to catch the eye of the international fashion icon.

# LOOK CONFUSED

I think she had a kid with this fella. If you can somehow carry a look of constant bewilderment, or impersonate your own wax work then I'm sure Kate will be salivating from every orifice. Also go for the matching tie-shirt combo. It's a bold move, one that Liverpool boss Brendan Rodgers rocks on the touchline and post match interviews. So know your enemy guys, Rodgers could prove stern competition if found in the same room.

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# BLACK EYE'S

Yes black eyes. Pete Doherty may have been off his face throughout the entire relationship, but he knew what he was doing with his clobber. If you can somehow dig out your crazy uncles sea captains hat, lift a leather jacket from the cloakroom of a Hell's Angel's convention, and not sleep for a week, then you'll be hitting the equivalent of a nine dart out on Kate's erogenous dartboard.

# SMOKE

This is probably the most important thing on the list if you are going to grease Kate's vaginal walls. For you smokers then this will be a pre-ticked box, however for the non-smokers you'll have to stop whining about second hand smoke, be seen campaigning to bring back smoking in pubs and always be smoking. Just light one cigarette off the butt of another because if you bump into our Kate and you aren't lit, then your chances of scoring are probably as buggered as your now tar-filled lungs.

# OWN A LIMO

I can't stress how important it is that you have your own Limousine. It worked for the geezer from The Kills, he ended up marrying Moss because of extensive collection of limousines. Now not everyone can afford a limo so here's a tip. Make friends with the guy down the funeral home, a hearse looks the spit of a limo when hammered. Throw him a score and I'm sure he'll be happy to drive you around Camden every weekend as you go Moss cruising.

Ain't Nothin but the Blues Bar Review

'It's the size of a shoebox' my date tells me. 'And it's always rammo'. Possibly the worst two lines you could hand me when describing a venue. But those were my dates choice words as we hit the tube en route to the 'Ain't Nothin' but the Blues Bar' down Kingly Street in Soho. We slip by the doorman who punches his clicker twice.

Inside, the long bar to the right is 3 man deep and everyone is craning drinks backwards over their trilbys to the parties in wait. I snare a couple of Heini's and we fluke a couple of seats by the stage. The backdrop are old posters of blues greats with retro neon bar signs adorning the walls. Imagine Roadhouse the movie minus the wire mesh to protect the bands from missiles. The only thing missing is the smokey fog of old cigars circulating around the room. There should be a law allowing people to smoke in bars that play blues music.

Instead everyone has a rolled cigarette tucked behind their ear, they're table tapping, some are air drumming. Downstairs the toilets are flooded and there's no soap in the dispenser. Chalk portraits of Screaming Jay Hawkins, BB King, Fats Domino and other legends of the genre, stare me down from the walls by the stairwell. I think on my blues name as I sit through the next band which is more clean cut James Dean rock n roll. Intsantly I want to go the bar and tell Lou to give me a milk, chocolate, and have it slide across the bar like a tractor beam to my palm. I try this with my bottle of Heini and nearly stack it all over my date. When the burlesque dancers come on its all a bit too much for my English awkwardness so my date and I agree its time to hit the bricks. Overall the 'Ain't Nothin But the Blues Bar' reinvigorated my love not only for Back to the Future, but live music, specifically blues. I want to go home and start a blues band, get a wife, a dog, a drinking problem, just so they can leave me and I can sing about it.

Best dressed drug dealers in movies

As we celebrate Breaking Bad's, Aaron Pauls birthday today, we thought it would be relatively entertaining (but not overly) to see how his wardrobe fairs against other iconic drug dealers that have featured in TV shows or Motion Film. I present to you, the top five best dressed drug dealers from TV.

5# CAIN - ROBOCOP 2

Well they don't come any more dapper than a kick arse robot. Robocop's nemesis in this controversial sequel was Cain, who was originally a human that created a designer drug called Nuke. Robocop takes out Cain and his brain gets implanted into the latest RoboCop design. Its a much sleeker build than the original Robocop and has a Gatling gun on his arm. As my Granddad always told me, 'If you're going to be dealing drugs, its always handy to have a Gatling gun strapped to your forearm'.

4# FLANAGAN - COCKTAIL

Yes a barman pushing liquor is still a drug dealer. Cruise plays Brain Flanagan in this 80's hit that turned every barman into a show off idiot over night. His Hawaiin shirts and ray bands were a perfect centre piece for this comedy/drama. When Flanagan gets quized by his new holiday romance Elizabeth Shue why he slept with one of his customers, his rebutle was 'When a guy lies down a dare, you gotta take it.' A little advice guys if you're ever trying to explain your way out of a marital affair. Never ever, ever EVER use that line. Trust me, it doesn't wash.

3# BENDER - THE BREAKFAST CLUB

With the stone wash denim jacket and red tartan shirt, Bender was perfectly dressed for the role of the rebellious student kept in for Saturday detention. Whilst him and the motley crue of other detainee's were kept captive in the school library for the duration of the movie, Bender managed to bring some cannabis to the party. Of course its clear that John Hughes the writer and director has never cannabis before as when Emilio Estevez has a few puffs he goes on a crazy run around the library, hurdling tables and screaming out windows. Come on John, do some research. 

2# MR BIG - LIVE AND LET DIE

That's right baby. Mr Big, the Heroin dealer that leaves all his key business decisions to a fortune telling Jane Seymour. Probably not the best idea as she soon becomes conflicted when Bond, played by Roger Moore starts slipping her one. I reckon Mr Big should have gone into the fashion trade instead. Look at that red silk shirt and off white jacket combo. What a dazzler. 

1# EDDIE - LIMITLESS

There are trailers out advertising LUCY the new film with Scarlet Johansson in which Morgan Freeman explains that Lucy is the first to use more than 10% of her brain. Well what about Eddie in Limitless ah Morgan? and Travolta in Phenomenon? Regardless of how many times the storyline has been lifted or ripped off, you can't deny that Bradley Cooper looks the don in those especially tailored suits that has a unique inside lining purpose built for stashing those, 'vitamins'.  

Dress like Leslie Grantham

Not everyone makes the leap from Leslie Grantham the actor and Fort Boyard presenter, to Leslie Grantham the fashion icon. But as it's his birthday today and I have 20 minutes to kill before my next nap. Here is your guide on how to dress like Eastenders Dirty Den. 

1# White Shirt.

Jesus Christ have you ever read Leslie Grantham's Wikipedia page? It reads like a demons resume. I mean just the opening paragraph, LESLIE GRANTHAM KILLS GERMAN TAXI DRIVER. He done 10 years in the nick then got dishonourably discharged. How can you get DIShonourably discharged? Had I known he was a cold blooded murderer I never would have recommended anyone to dress like Leslie Grantham. But I'm here now, and he does suit a simple white collar shirt don't you think? 

2# Blue Shirt.

I honestly thought Leslie Grantham was a darling of the BBC and a pillar of the British Institution. However not only is he a murderer, he was also embroiled in an online sex scandal after he was caught simulating oral sex whilst masturbating. I mean if this was a storyline on Eastenders you wouldn't believe it would you? However he does look rather dashing in a blue collar shirt doesn't he? 

3# Corduroy Jacket

After he was finally killed off in Eastenders in 2004 he called the scripts 'weak' and called his co-star Shane Richie 'self-infatuated'. What did Shane Richie ever do to you Leslie? Apart from completely out act you in every department. He really is an unsavoury sort isn't he. However I guess he can be partially forgiven as he does look the part in this wonderfully fitted Corduroy Jacket. 

4# Leather Jacket.

Look at him here. You'd think butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. But what if I told you that he likes to dress up as Captain Hook whilst sharing his sexual fantasies with animals? Honestly I don't know how this man ever made it on the BBC. I guess it might have something to do with his incredible dress sense. No one wears a leather jacket like our Leslie. 

5# Suit and tie.

Here he is looking a bit more presentable. Overall I guess he isn't such a bad bloke. Happy birthday Leslie. 

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Dress like Jack Nicholson

It was Jack Nicholson's birthday this week I couldn't resist taking a nostalgic look back through his wardrobe in films. It may sound like a tenuous link, and people may argue that it was also celebrity chef Gary Rhodes's birthday this week, why not do a blog on him? It's a good point, it's a good point well made.

'You don't get two dimes Martinez, you get sh*t'.

On second thoughts, to hell with Gary Rhodes. He didn't top the Rolling Stones top actors list 3 times in a row from the years of 1977-1980 did he? No Jack Nicholson did. A simple outfit here taken from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. A green t-shirt underneath a blue denim shirt. Have a fag hanging out the corner of your mouth and your hair spiked back in no particular fashion. You wouldn't be able to pull this off dressing like Gary Rhodes. If you get caught smoking in the kitchen you'll get chucked out like a drinking fountain in a mental institute.

'I want you to hold it between your knees'.

This is probably the most underrated Nicholson movie Five Easy Pieces. Here Jack is rocking what is known as a Raglan sweater. Popular with Baseball players. If you saw Gary Rhodes swooning about in something as cool as that you'd immediately think how much better it would look on Jack Nicholson. 

'Incase you're wondering I won't be letting you infect me with the plague either'.

'Jack won an oscar for his part in As Good As It Gets. This blazer is a beaut and stopped Helen Hunt in her tracks.  For the record Gary Rhodes has never won or even been nominated for an oscar. Is he even on TV anymore? 

'NIK NIK NIK...Ahhhhh...Indians'.

This is probably as close as Gary Rhodes will get to looking as good as Jack Nicholson. Here in Easy Rider he rocks his white lawyer suit. Not too far off the Gary Rhodes Chef Whites. Well actually, it's probably quite far removed from the Gary Rhodes wardrobe, but I feel like I have torn into our Gary quite unnecessarily in this feature. He hasn't really done anything wrong.

'What's your beef?'

Here you go Gary. No hard feelings. 

What to put on your business card

You may be an up and coming big shot with your leather briefcase and your tailored mustache, but without a decent business card you're a nobody in my book sunshine. Here are some crucial tips from what all the big dicks like me expect from a business card. 

1# Printed on poor quality paper 

Have you ever been handed a business card at the end of an intriguing conversation, only to find that the card is flimsy, lightweight and made out of toilet paper? A business card made out of toilet paper albeit, absorbent, will crumple when forced into the sleeve of your wallet or pocket. So don't cut corners on the material because people are literally going to be feeling the fibre of your fabric.

2# Always have braille

Made from toilet paper

Yes always have some braille going on incase you need to hand your business card over to someone who is blind. The blind community are often over looked (pardon the pun) when it comes to business cards,imagine you are trying to sell your product to a wealthy blind person and your card is ineligible to them because you didn't have the foresight (again pardon the pun) to have it printed with braille. Look into the future people. (Pun intended).

3# Don't have too much information

It may be interesting to have a complete list of your sexual history written on the back of your business card, but the chances are it will distract people away from your brand and the promise that your company is attempting to deliver. Maybe have a laminated list at hand of your sexual history and present it separately to your client should he request it.

4# No photo

It's a novel idea to have a picture of yourself somewhere on the card, but unless you are blessed with some incredibly good genes, then it may come across as narcissistic. If you are narcissistic then it might be an idea to have a current photo rather than one of you in a band 15 years ago, when you had hair and hope in your eyes.

Check the spelling

5# Always have a joke

If you're like me you may have a cupboard full of business cards that you daren't open for fear of being instantly crushed under a business card avalanche. However if the card came with a witty knock knock joke then it may end up in my wallet rather than in my toilet. Perhaps refrain from racist or Anti-Semitic quips, or have some racist and Anti-Semitic cards printed separately incase you get introduced to Jim Davidson or Kilroy-Silk.

Missing Andy Q&A

As they are about to embark on their 2014 tour, I caught up ALex Greaves, frontman of MISSING ANDY, for a quick chat. 

People know you best from your performance in the Braintree College stage production of Macbeth in 2008. Where have you been for the last 6 years?

Up until 2009 I was chasing the infamous 'Shakespeare High', trying to feel as good as I did being lifted across the stage in the most bizarrely choreographed fight scene. I've been to some dark places, joined part of a Shakespeare squatting cult, who would occupy closed down theaters and act out their favourite monologues, all trying to get that high. Thankfully after an intervention with family and friends I came through the other side, and replaced Shakespeare with performing in a band called Missing Andy, and have been touring with them ever since.

How do you like to spend your days when hungover?

With a large raspberry tango ice blast from the cinema. That's a must. The rest is just learning to cope. I played football a couple of times hungover, that felt disgusting.

Why do you think West Ham's Kevin Nolan is so angry all the time?

Because he's never had an England call up.

My Dad said he came to see play at The Dublin Castle 4 years ago. He was disgusted that you spat on the ceiling and it dripped onto my brothers jacket who was stood underneath. I haven't stopped laughing since but I was wondering if you had any recollection of the event?

Haha! No I don't recall gobbing on the ceiling, unless it was one of my water spraying displays? In which case it would've been 94% water and 6% spittle. Either way, send your father my apologies and tell your brother he can send me the dry cleaning bill.

The biscuit with the best dunkable qualities?

The custard cream for me, it's a great dunking shape, you're not gonna bash the edges around the inside wall of the mug, the double biscuit reinforced with the mortar that is the creamy filling means there's less chance of a biscuit breakaway, which is a nightmare, nobody wants a load of sodden biscuit in the bottom of their coffee or tea.

How often do you practice your sex face infront of the mirror?

Ever since the tragic orgy accident of '06, I've vowed never to use my real sex face ever again. With great power comes great responsibility. Nowadays I practice my fake sex face daily, just to be safe.

Last time you followed through?


When I was 12. Something was so funny I literally laughed so hard I shit. Things became less funny soon after.

Where can we see Missing Andy next?

We're next gigging at Rayleigh in Essex on March 7th, where we will be performing a brand new track and getting Rob Jones 'birthday drunk'. But you can check out our upcoming dates on www.missingandy.com